I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
