shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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