and she was petting her beer can
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
