You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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