508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
