a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
