we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
