just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
