we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.