her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
