We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
