So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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