I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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