my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
