He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
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Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it