I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
