Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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