hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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