fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can you repeat that, but with context?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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