You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
