My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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