Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
