There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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