I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
