If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
