just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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