Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
