mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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