brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
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You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
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