Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.