Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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