i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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