What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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