True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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