I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Randomize
