If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
