Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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