happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
