Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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