Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
