I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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