...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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