we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
