I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
