Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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