I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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