Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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