I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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