dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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