the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
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I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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