i think my tv is drunk
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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