Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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