A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
