I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
