Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Is it because I queefed?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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