I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Still dying that you shit outside
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
