I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
