The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
