Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
