I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
