I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Randomize
